Monday, February 21, 2011

Was it all a Dream?

I feel like I have been dreaming for the past 10 days. One minute we are celebrating the life of my beloved Dad who turned 80 on Feb. 11 and then 5 hours after his party was over, he is struck down from a massive stroke that snuck up on him without warning.

How do I even begin to share what I am feeling right now? I have so many mixed emotions. I have never lost a loved one so close to me. My dad was my buddy. Even though I am 54 years old, I was still daddy's little girl. He called me Baby Doll.

You are never prepared to face death, especially when it is so sudden. I am just so very thankful that our family had time to love on my dad, sing to him, whisper in his ear, rub lotion on his arms, comb his hair, and have our final few days with him before he passed. He was in a coma for those days but I know he heard us.

His service was perfect. He would have been so proud of us for giving him a perfect send off.

At the grave side, the sun was shining down on us and warming us. I can't explain it but I had a feeling of peace and knowing where my dad went was comfort to me.

I told my dad that I will make him proud and carry on where he left off. I will take care of my mom and make sure she does not want for anything.

He is sitting on my shoulder, guiding me. I can feel his presence.

Life does go on...
I miss my dad....
Wake me from this dream...

16 comments:

Adventures In Babywearing said...

I miss him, too. I know the last thing I did with him was hug him, but I still want to do it one more time. I just can't believe he's really gone. Just like that.

Steph

AK said...

Rhonda, I think you've described it perfectly. It really is like a dream, because you experience on a completely different level. And I think those memories stick with you longer than any other moments because they're kind of embedded in your soul.

I'm grieving with you and continue to pray for you. But I'm so glad you have such a stockpile of happy memories with your dad. I'm sure that he was and is thoroughly proud of you.

Amy M. said...

Mama Wilson...I know your pain. The difference is that I lost my dad when I was 17, so we didn't have a chance to "truly" get to know each other. I know the emptiness in your heart. I know about those days, weeks, months that pass by where suddenly, you're just hit with that feeling of...is this really all a dream? I lived that way for a while because I was young and didn't understand. I was angry and that was very sad because he moved on to an amazing place. You know what? He's never really left me. He has been with me throughout everything. He was there in spirit for my wedding for my babies births, everything. I still hold on to him so tightly.

What I've learned over the past 15 years is that even though he can't "physically" guide me, he does spiritually guide me. It's been a rough road, don't get me wrong but my faith is much stronger now than it was then and I have him to thank for that.

I still get that ping of pain out of nowhere that moves the lump back into my throat and makes my eyes well up with tears but then, I just remember that we're still with each other in some form or another. Your dad is part of your heart and soul and that will never go away. He still laughs when you laugh and comforts you when you cry.

Each day will make you stronger and help you understand. He will show himself to you when you least expect it. My dad has come to me in my dreams and I've woken up smiling and crying because I had a chance to see him again.

The dark days will become less foggy. Take your time and grieve. We're all here for you through this! xoxoxo

Heather said...

It has been 7 years since my dad suddenly passed away and there are days when I pick up the phone to call him and realize that where he is they don't answer the phone.

Many prayers and ((Hugs)) to your family. Steph is such a lovely person and I am sure that her family is just as lovely & awesome!

Melissa Lea said...

I know the pain of loss so well, but I also know the beauty of having so many precious memories. Cling to them and cherish them. He was so loved, and for that, his life was full to the brim.

You will see him again, and what a glorious day that will be.

Even though you do not know me, I hope you feel my love and prayers across the miles. I am holding your family close to my heart.

Bacardi Mama said...

What a beautiful post. I know your dad is so proud of you and how you handled things. Losing a parent is so hard. You were so lucky to have your dad for so long. I lost my dad when I wwas 22. I'm so sorry I couldn't be there with you physically, but I was with you in my heart. I hope you felt my hugs. Love you sweet friend!

As We Sail... said...

I can't really imagine your grief Rhonda, neither of my parents have passed. the closest I came is when I was 16 my grandmother passed and I was closer to her than my parents at that time. I grieved hard and still get moist eyes when I think of her.
I agree with Amy. I think life will get less foggy as time goes on and and you can live your life as your dad would want you to. But for now just let yourself grieve as much as you need to, and know that as you push yourself on with daily life he's rooting for you, and he'll be waiting for you.

Tina said...

I know that pain all to well - I just lost my mom in November of last year.

I'm sending you and your family a hug from here.

Bridget said...

I was about to say the same thing that Heather did, but about my grandmother. She and I were so close and I miss her so much, but when she passed (fairly unexpectedly) we were all at such peace about it. That doesn't make it hurt any less, though. I've been praying for you all, and will keep on doing so.

Carolyn Vaughn said...

I know it feels like a dream because you hope you'll wake up from it and find everything as it was before your dad's stroke. Our minds are very strange because we will go over and over everything that happened to find the "loophole" that will mean that it didn't happen. How is your mom doing? After so many years of marriage, it will be the hardest after all the people have gone home and back to their own lives. She doesn't have the same life to go back to. I have lost many other people but not my husband, and I can only imagine how hard that must be. I know you'll keep your mom close and help each other through this. God bless you all.

Erin said...

My heart goes out to you and has since Steph first emailed last Saturday. I cannot fathom how you're coping with the pain caused by the suddenness of your loss. Know that I'm praying for you nightly. Love you.

Anonymous said...

Sis: I love this post and all the people in it! Thanks for being there for me, Mom and Randy! You are a blessing and I love you so very much! I didn't think our love could get any stronger, but it has! Diane

Rebecca said...

been thinking of & praying for you & your family. i lost my dad suddenly last may and it still feels like it was all a dream. i still try to call him.

Sharon - MomGenerations said...

You have captured your Dad and his love so beautifully, Rhonda. I wish I could say something so comforting to you... so perfect. It takes my breath away to think of your pain and the "dream" you are living right now. It's been 35 years since I hugged my Dad and I still think of him every single day. It's a love so special that it's almost impossible to describe. I know, like many of your other friends here, that your Dad IS with you... and he always will be. It's the getting used to this other-worldliness presence that takes some time. It's a settling into a new life with your Mom... one we know would make our Dads so very proud. Grieve, dear friend. Talk. Write about your Dad. Capture his entire life and essence and share this with us. We are all here to listen, to cry, to laugh, to help, to heal. I love you so very much... xo

JackeeG4glamorous said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time of grief. You are truly blessed that you had the relationship that you did, as some people do not have that with thier father ( or anyone as a matter of fact!)
Your post was beautiful and poignant, I hope that journaling (posting if you will) will be a help to you as move throgh the greiving process.
Blessings-Jackee

chrissy said...

Beautiful post! Beautiful description! My heart hurts for you. I'm so impressed by your faith and your love for your dad and the fact that he is carrying on in you! Your beautiful inside and out and I'm sure your dad agrees!