Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Waiting on the Fog to lift

I have been in a Fog since Feb. 12 @ 2:15 a.m. This was the time that my dad told my sister to press the Lifeline alert button on his necklace he wore. He then went into the Coma, from which he would never wake up from. The events that unfolded after that is slowly coming back to my memory. I can be sitting watching t.v., driving in my van, sitting at my desk at work or lying in the bed and all of a sudden a thought of that horrible night will come to mind and I am a mess.....panic, tears and thoughts of hopelessness take over my body. I have beat myself up many times over what ifs. My sister told me that her friend told her that the funeral is the easiest part, which is so true. I felt like I was in a trance during my dad's funeral. I barely remember faces I saw there. It was all in slow motion. I don't remember crying a lot. I felt a peace in knowing my dad was in heaven. I thought that I would crumble at his casket when I first viewed him, but I felt these big arms holding me, and I felt such peace. I felt comfort. I knew I had to be strong for my mom, sister and brother. It's my nature to take care of others. I figured I could crumble in private. I am left now, without my buddy, my dad. He was someone I could count on for anything. I could count on his many phone calls on a daily basis. I could count on going to my answering machine and playing it to say "Rhonda, this is your dad, please give me a call". I could count on a smile and a good morning when I would stop most mornings on my way to work. He would always have the coffee on. I could count on him walking down the hallway towards the bar/counter area where he would sit across from me as we drank our coffee and ate our breakfast that I would sometimes make for him and mom. He loved my french toast. He would always say "thank you baby doll"....He was so appreciative at everything I would do for him. He intentionally saved the ripe bananas in the fruit basket for me, knowing I would make him his favorite banana bread. I can remember many nights staying up late baking, so I could bring him fresh loaves the next morning. I knew how much Joy this brought to him. My mom told me one time that my dad looks forward to me stopping every morning. It's what made him happy to wake up to. I guess you could say I spoiled him. So, what next, I ask myself? I promised my dad when he was in the coma that I would take care of my mom and carry on where he left off. I have big shoes to fill. I will fill them proudly. I will not give up and will find a way out of this Fog I've been in. I have good days and I have bad days. I find myself not wanting to be around a lot of people or even read blogs. It's almost like my life as it was, froze and I'm trying to chisel away and come back to what it use to be. My mom and I started going to a support group at the VNA hospice, which I think is a step in the right direction. We will get through this. We know my dad would want us to carry on. Like my sister said to me, when she was having a hard time yesterday, she felt that dad would say to us.... "Don't worry, Be Happy"

12 comments:

Sharon - MomGenerations said...

Oh, Rhonda... my heart is so breaking for you and my heart is as big as the world for you. You know all those times we've blogged back and forth and I've commented on how blessed you are to have your Dad... and the peace it brought me to know how much love there was between you two. It warmed my heart and it didn't make me miss my Dad more... it made me HAPPY that someone I care for so much has this great, great gift. I know this pain of loss and I know the nights and days and moments of thinking this is all a very, very bad dream... and then I think of my Mom and how much she needs me. This great love you have and feel and miss so very much will some day make you feel blessed because you are so rare in this world to have it. Your Dad is with you. He is in another form. He is watching you with his great angel wings, and watching your kids and grandkids... and helping them like he could never, ever do on this earth. He knew and God knew it was time for his "better" place... as hard as it is for us left behind. I am thinking of you, dear, dear Rhonda... with so much love and understanding... xo

Adventures In Babywearing said...

Sharon's comment made me cry. You are staying strong, mom, and aren't falling apart like you probably want to. I'll keep praying that only the good memories come to your mind, and that you have peace in your heart. He's still here with you. And I dont think we have long before we see him again. I'll be over to see Mommal soon, and much more often after my show is over. I think when it gets warmer out, we will all be lighter and have an easier time being happy. You need to carry on his joy. :)

Steph

Desiree Fawn said...

I am so sorry for you loss and the difficult time you're going through. If your daughter is any indication, you're a wonderful soul and my thoughts are with you during this difficult time.
Peace & love, Desiree.

AK said...

There's a lot I want to say, Rhonda, but more than anything I want to tell you this: what you're feeling is so painful but also so right and so beautiful. Three years after losing her dad, not a day goes by that Heather doesn't miss her dad terribly. That longing doesn't always come with peace and comfort. It's frequently accompanied by pain and frustration and helplessness. But it always comes out of love. Your love for him (and his for you) is still alive and real and strong. And painful sometimes. I'm so sorry it's so difficult. My prayers and continued condolences pour out to you.

Cameron said...

I'm an online friend of Steph's and I just wanted to say that I will be thinking of and praying for you. I know it's hard and I will be holding you in a special, soft place in my heart during this time when you're feeling so vulnerable and breakable. Sending love and the hope for the peace that passes all understanding.

punkinmama said...

Your love for your Dad is so sweet. Makes me realize even more how much I need to treasure my Dad while I still can here on Earth. I pray you will find comfort knowing he is in a better place and he's longing to see you again too.

Warden of Chaos said...

Rhonda -

It's been almost 12 years since I lost my dad and I still have those "foggy" days, especially when one of my boys does something that reminds me of him. Bittersweet. I wish I could say it gets easier. Some days ARE easier. Some are harder. The painful memories are softer, now, more sad than anguish. The happy memories are warmer, brighter, like he's shining a light on them to remind me of all the good times we had together and that's what he wants me to concentrate on. I don't think a daughter every gets over losing her dad, but I do think their strength, his strength, will help cary us through those harder days. I hope you find your way out of the fog. Don't be afraid to ask those who love you to help you find your way. They want to help, they're just not sure how.

With lots of hugs,
Katie Belcher-Pantinas

As We Sail... said...

I don't know what it's like to lose a dad yet Rhonda, but please know that I'm praying for you to feel God's peace every day as only He can give it, and in your devotions to find meaningful scripture to cling to. I know you will miss your dad every day but also knowing He is happy with his Lord gives you joy.

Anonymous said...

I love you Sis! I'm in the fog with you! I know that Dad is waiting on the other side of that fog and will be greeting us with open arms one day in God's Heaven! What a day that will be! :) Love, Diane

~michelle pendergrass said...

My mom and I weren't as close as you and your dad, but I think I can safely say I know exactly what you're going through. And actually, my mom and I had just started to get along in the past couple of years.

She used to take me to St. Michael's in Gary/Merrillville every year to have pierogi for my birthday. I have a few more days to decide if I can go there by myself or if I should just skip it this year. (My birthday's already passed, but the thought still lingers.)

The one thing that has helped me more than anything has been Visual Prayer. If you'd ever like to get together, come over my house for coffee and prayer, I'd be more than willing to show you how to do it.

(((hugs))) You are a beautiful heart. The healing will take time. I don't think the pain ever fully goes away, so I won't lie. It's hard. But keep focusing on those good memories and they'll be a balm to your aching soul.

Jen @ One Moms World said...

Rhonda! Something told me I need to check your blog before I go to bed tonight. Now, I know why. You are one sweet gal and just reading your sweet memories about your dad of you stopping by each morning just makes me smile so much. Your dad would want you to continue doing this for your mom. He is shining down on all of you. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you the biggest HUG, because you deserve it. You are one of a kind and everyone is so appreciative of the caring person you are. It's ok to weep, it's ok to be sad, give yourself that time. Get with the grandkids and release balloons one of these future warm days and have a picnic with them. Much love to you!

Erin said...

Rhonda, you've been on my heart and in my prayers ever since you lost your dad.
I know your fog will lift, and I know you will get through this, but on days when you feel like the fog is so heavy that you can't even stand... just remember that any one of us is willing to help you stand, to clear out the fog.