Wednesday, April 6, 2011
I have been in a Fog since Feb. 12 @ 2:15 a.m. This was the time that my dad told my sister to press the Lifeline alert button on his necklace he wore. He then went into the Coma, from which he would never wake up from. The events that unfolded after that is slowly coming back to my memory. I can be sitting watching t.v., driving in my van, sitting at my desk at work or lying in the bed and all of a sudden a thought of that horrible night will come to mind and I am a mess.....panic, tears and thoughts of hopelessness take over my body. I have beat myself up many times over what ifs. My sister told me that her friend told her that the funeral is the easiest part, which is so true. I felt like I was in a trance during my dad's funeral. I barely remember faces I saw there. It was all in slow motion. I don't remember crying a lot. I felt a peace in knowing my dad was in heaven. I thought that I would crumble at his casket when I first viewed him, but I felt these big arms holding me, and I felt such peace. I felt comfort. I knew I had to be strong for my mom, sister and brother. It's my nature to take care of others. I figured I could crumble in private. I am left now, without my buddy, my dad. He was someone I could count on for anything. I could count on his many phone calls on a daily basis. I could count on going to my answering machine and playing it to say "Rhonda, this is your dad, please give me a call". I could count on a smile and a good morning when I would stop most mornings on my way to work. He would always have the coffee on. I could count on him walking down the hallway towards the bar/counter area where he would sit across from me as we drank our coffee and ate our breakfast that I would sometimes make for him and mom. He loved my french toast. He would always say "thank you baby doll"....He was so appreciative at everything I would do for him. He intentionally saved the ripe bananas in the fruit basket for me, knowing I would make him his favorite banana bread. I can remember many nights staying up late baking, so I could bring him fresh loaves the next morning. I knew how much Joy this brought to him. My mom told me one time that my dad looks forward to me stopping every morning. It's what made him happy to wake up to. I guess you could say I spoiled him. So, what next, I ask myself? I promised my dad when he was in the coma that I would take care of my mom and carry on where he left off. I have big shoes to fill. I will fill them proudly. I will not give up and will find a way out of this Fog I've been in. I have good days and I have bad days. I find myself not wanting to be around a lot of people or even read blogs. It's almost like my life as it was, froze and I'm trying to chisel away and come back to what it use to be. My mom and I started going to a support group at the VNA hospice, which I think is a step in the right direction. We will get through this. We know my dad would want us to carry on. Like my sister said to me, when she was having a hard time yesterday, she felt that dad would say to us.... "Don't worry, Be Happy"
Posted by Mimi's Toes at 12:00 PM